As I begin...

Help Me to Believe in Beginnings
by Ted Loder, Guerrillas of Grace


God of history and of my heart,
so much has happened to me during these whirlwind days:
I've known death and birth;
I've been brave and scared;
I've hurt, I've helped;
I've been honest, I've lied;
I've destroyed, I've created;
I've been with people, I've been lonely;
I've been loyal, I've betrayed;
I've decided, I've waffled;
I've laughed and I've cried.
You know my frail heart and my frayed history -
and now another day begins.

O God, help me to believe in beginnings
and in my beginning again,
no matter how often I've failed before.

Help me to make beginnings:
to begin going out of my weary mind
into fresh dreams,
daring to make my own bold tracks
in the land of now;
to begin forgiving
that I may experience mercy;
to begin questioning the unquestionable
that I may know truth
to begin disciplining
that I may create beauty;
to begin sacrificing
that I may make peace;
to begin loving
that I may realize joy.

Help me to be a beginning to others,
to be a singer to the songless,
a storyteller to the aimless,
a befriender of the friendless;
to become a beginning of hope for the despairing,
of assurance for the doubting,
of reconciliation for the divided;
to become a beginning of freedom for the oppressed,
of comfort for the sorrowing,
of friendship for the forgotten;
to become a beginning of beauty for the forlorn,
of sweetness for the soured,
of gentleness for the angry,
of wholeness for the broken,
of peace for the frightened and violent of the earth.

Help me to believe in beginnings,
to make a beginning,
to be a beginning,
so that I may not just grow old,
but grow new
each day of this wild, amazing life
you call me to live
with the passion of Jesus Christ.

Water-logged, and ready for adventure!

My travels to Boston were welcomed with a first day of sunshine, followed by a second and third day of torrential rain and the percussion of tree branches playing on the window pane. All of which I responded to with a smile :)

I love rain.  How perfect to be blessed with a clean washing, over a new city!

Moving to Boston a week ago, I knew my life was writing its next chapter.  Graduate School.  Five years of pause in my academic career have left me wondering if my grammar/structure book is out-of-date, trying to prepare myself for reading assignments while taking the T to and from my quaint little village into the big city that will extend my knowledge of faith and fellowship, and attempting to balance the real-world needs to earn an income while still making time to adequately fill my brain with, and understand, as much information as possible.

Woah.  Nap time and snack, anyone? :)
I remember kindergarten... Mrs. McMillan, the reading corner, Santa Clause, the simplicities of being a small child.  Fast forward 22 years, and here I am.  I still take naps, I still eat snacks... and still regularly try to enjoy the simplicities of life.

I'm really excited to be here.  I am hopeful for the doors God will open through these new experiences, and where those doors will lead in the future. I am grateful for the new friends/house mates I have that have made the transition to Auburndale a bit more smooth and reassuring.

Expectations I have?
* late night theological discussions, involving coffee and deep breathing
* nooks and crannies that harbor my favorite alone-time spots
* friends in all stages of life
* opportunities to grow, serve, learn, mess up, trust and live

I regularly don't live as God calls me to.
I'm hoping to do better at this...

7, 17, 27

At the age of 7 (which is difficult to remember), I was an innocent little girl that liked to play army and dress up with her brother.  If I had any aspirations, they were probably formed around a whimsical idea of being the first female president or an actress or anything that sounded spectacular!  I was an extremely picky eater, often winning the losing battle my parents fought trying to get me to eat something besides a raw green pepper (which I ate like apples).  My faith was summed up with the words, "Jesus loves me, this I know.  For the Bible tells me so.  Little ones to him belong.  They are weak but He is strong.  Yes, Jesus loves me.  Yes, Jesus loves me.  Yes, Jesus loves me.  The Bible tells me so."  So I was covered :)  Jesus loved me!!

At the age of 17, I was fighting to figure out who I really was and who I wanted to be.  Seeking love and attention wherever I could get it, instead of focusing mainly on the One who could give both!  My morals were still in order for the most part, and I still liked who I was.  But high school sucked, and I couldn't wait to get into the real world.  My faith was growing, but it wasn't really being nurtured the way it should have been.  So I found myself amongst a lot of hypocrisies.

At the age of 27, I am living in the world, but trying everyday not to be of the world.  My aspirations are centered around passions that God has given me, and truths I know to be true.  It isn't so much what I WANT to do, but what I am called to do-- how I am called to live this life I have been given.  My faith can no longer be summed up by one song's lyrics... but there are a few that can capture it pretty well.

"So patient, so gracious, so merciful and true, so powerful in all You do.  You fill me.  You see me.  You know my every move.  You love for me to sing to you.  I know that you are for me.  I know that you are for me.  I know that you will never forsake me in my weakness and I know that you have come down, even if to ride up on my heart, to remind me who you are."

"Amazing grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me.  I once was lost, but now I'm found; was blind but now I see.  My chains are gone, I've been set free.  My God, my savior has ransomed me.  And like a flood, his mercy rains.  Unending love, amazing grace."

----------

Right now I am going through some stuff.  People in my life are going through stuff as well.  But, God has everything under control.  And I feel His peace and reassurance through all those things.  His plan for me (at least the short term one) is becoming revealed as I wait on Him.  I know it's all going to be okay :)

I can't believe I'm 27 years old!!! Woah.

God showed up. Why was I surprised?!

I know that God loves me SO much.
I know that He wants to provide for me and take care of me.
I know that He wants to love on me, and let me know that He is holding me.
I know that He wants to give me the desires of my heart-- after all, He created me WITH those desires; why would He not want to then fulfill them!
But... if I know ALL of this, why am I so surprised when He actually comes through?!
Why is my reaction anything other than expectant thankfulness :)

I am on day 16 of this Daniel Fast, and it has been a great journey so far!  As far as the food restrictions go, I was curious as to how much or how little I would actually be allowed to have.  The diet is restricted to fruit, veggies, nuts, whole wheat (as long as there is no yeast) and water to drink.  That's it.  BUT there are actually so many things I can eat, within those guidelines.  So I have very pleasantly filled up at the end of each meal.

The fast is obviously more than just about what food I can or cannot eat.  It is about refocusing my mind and my heart around Jesus Christ, remembering what He has given so that I can then get even more, and serving Him in thankfulness.  And that is exactly what I am trying to do.

Being unemployed at the moment, it leaves a lot of time for...... basically anything, or nothing, depending on how structured I make the day.  But I have now been able to get into a routine for my devotion/alone time with God-- every morning I start it with God.  While attending the M11 conference in KY this past February, I heard some words of wisdom from one of the speakers, saying that he does not get out of bed, or even speak to his wife while still in bed, until after he has prayed and thanked God for the day, and asked Him to be the center of it.  I tried it, and that actually holds truth for me as well!  On days when I pray before I even get out of bed, I am more joyful, loving, calm, focused and excited about the possibilities of the day.  But obviously God deserves more than just 20-30 minutes of each morning.  He deserved 24 hours of the day, every day.  Trying to refocus your whole life around an attitude of prayer is somewhat difficult, as far as being humble enough to realize how often you DON'T pray.  But it is also encouraging to realize how many opportunities I DO have to pray :)  So I have been working on taking those opportunities.

So... how has God shown up?
I know you are curious :)

Well... about 6-7 months ago, I applied for several graduate school programs.  I went to Scotland for 2 months, assuming that I would hear from schools before I returned to the U.S.  That was MY timing though, which was not in sync with what God had planned.  So... 6 months later... I have still been waiting to see what God has in store.  I have sort of been assuming that school was not the door that God  wanted to open right now.  So I started applying for jobs in various states.  I love my family, but I am not really tied to Ohio (i.e. I do not want to stay here) so I just did a general search for any social work related jobs in the United States.  From that search, I have applied for jobs in Alaska, Oregon, California, Kansas, Kentucky, Indiana, Ohio, Pennsylvania, Virginia, Georgia... and probably others.  I was trying to open as many doors possible, and not limit God.  Not that I could, even if I tried.

So yeah, I have been assuming that school would not work out and that work was the route I was to take.  Well, in the past 3 days I have scheduled 2 interviews for jobs in Oregon!!! AND I got a call from the Boston University School of Theology inviting me to be in their Masters of Theological Studies program (on special student status).  WOAH!  Both?  Really God?  :)

Why was I surprised.
God loves me.
He wants to provide for me.
He just wants me to trust Him to do so.

I am going out to Oregon for the interviews in a few weeks.  I am waiting to see how this is all orchestrated, and I am still praying about what decision to make.  But I know that God loves me, and as long as my whole heart is in serving Him, then He will bless my decision :)

But in all this stuff about MY life, I do not want to leave out what God is doing in my brother Jacob's life right now.  His band, Leora, has a show TONIGHT in Clarksville, TN.  All of the guys in the band have worked really hard on this ministry, and I am SO excited to see how God uses their music :)  Please be praying for their ministry, and that lives would be changed!

That is the update.
That is where I am at.
That is what God is doing in my life right now :)
Thanks for reading, and praying!

Holiness Today

In February, I had the opportunity to attend the M11 conference for the Nazarene Church.  It was a really great conference!  I was able to meet many influential and amazing people, and was introduced to opportunities and information that I KNOW God will use in my future :)

During the conference, we received a packet of informative tools; one of which was a copy of Holiness Today Magazine (January/February edition).  I am only just now getting around to reading this... It had previously taken a bottom-stack position in my pile of papers to sort through.  The sorting through was accomplished tonight, and thus I am writing you now to share some words of wisdom that I have received!

There is an article from the Editor in Chief, David J. Felter.
He says these words...

We need not fear the challenge of the future if

we are annointed by the Spirit in the present.

WOAH.  I love this.

Not that it is rocket science.  But we do so easily get wrapped up in the worries of the future that we often fail to remember that God has things under control, and that anything is possible through His strength!  I especially needed to hear these words right now, as I try to wait patiently for God's direction in my life.  My mind often wanders off into the future... how things might play out, what obstacles I might face... I know that there are many challenges ahead.  But... how exciting!!! To be part of God's plan :)  I should see those challenges as opportunities to glorify God; I should not see them as probabilities of failure or difficulty.

Exodus 4:11-12

The Lord said to him, "Who gave man his mouth? Who makes him dear or mute? Who gives him sight or makes him blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Now go; I wil help you speak and will teach you what to say. --Exod. 4:11-12


Doing my devotions this morning, I continued on with my goal of reading through the Bible in its entirety.  I read about the plagues that filled Egypt when Pharaoh's heart was hard and would not relent to God's will.  Moses, though strong in his faith in God, did not have much faith in himself.  He did not think himself worthy to be the messenger and deliverer of the Israelites.  But God chose him for a reason; for a very specific purpose.


He has chosen me as well :)  That is one of the many things that God has been reaffirming over these past months... that I HAVE been called for a greater purpose than myself.  In church this past Sunday the pastor was speaking on Isaiah 6:8, which has come to find a very special place in my heart.  As I sat in my seat listening to the words of God, I could physically feel the Holy Spirit filling me.  It was all I could do to cry and just be still in awe.  God has broken my heart for the people of this world who are suffering.  He has called me to GO and seek them out.  


I have been trying over the past few months to enter a Master's program, or get a job, but neither has proved fruitful up to this point.  I know that I am praying for God's will, and for myself to just be obedient and listen and follow.  However... I am not finding open doors yet.  Or... maybe I am not seeing them?

"You won't relent until You have it all.  My heart is Yours."  --Misty Edwards

Stephen and I have been talking a lot about God's will and desire for each of our lives separately, and collectively.  In an effort to better focus my prayer time and earnest seeking His will, I am going to be doing the Daniel Fast.  Starting tomorrow, April 1st, for 21 days.  My friends in Peru have just completed it recently, and there are a lot of tools and information available to help me through this process found at www.danielfast.wordpress.com.  Please be praying for me!  I KNOW that God has such amazing things in store for this life He is allowing me to lead. He has grown me into a person that I am proud to be!!!  A few years ago, I couldn't say that I was proud of myself.  It is only by His grace and love that I have come out on top.  


As I continue to look for school, work or missions opportunities, please pray for this journey of mine!!

I am still standing.

After my 8-month break from blogging, I felt the need to start sharing with you all again.  God has been working in my life in so many ways, and I simply can't keep it to myself anymore!! :)  Stay tuned!